How You Can Connect Well With Your Counsellor
Starting counselling can feel overwhelming. Even the thought of just meeting a new counsellor, might be enough to have you considering not reaching out. It’s hard to know whether you will connect well with your counsellor, especially if you’ve had flat or disconnected experiences in the past. This might be one of the hardest parts of starting therapy. Part of you knows you will feel more yourself, more confident, healed and maybe experience some restored relationships. Part of you just isn’t sure it’s worth having to share your story.
I think it’s warrants noticing that reaching out takes courage. This courage comes from a place of vulnerability which can feel scary, overwhelming and it might cause you to notice your anxiety more than usual. Vulnerability though, isn’t weakness. It’s indicative of courage and bravery. Isn’t that so interesting? I sometimes think of it as exposing a raw part of yourself. That takes strength, and I would suggest feeling safe. If you’ve had a less than amazing counselling experience in the past, this might take so much energy and emotion.
Just like any relationship, sometimes you can connect well with your counsellor and sometimes the connection just won’t be there. It’s no one’s fault…but it can be important to minimize that possibility before you begin sharing your story, or stepping into the emotional experience that comes with that.
There are some important and very helpful ways you can help to make sure you feel well connected with your counsellor…that it’s a (therapeutic) good fit.
You might have read your counsellor’s bio on an advertising platform, website or through someone who shared it with you. Maybe, you immediately felt that what the counsellor shared, resonated with you. This is such a gentle (and sometimes slightly less overwhelming) way to begin connecting. It might be your counsellor’s smile, their online office photos or some of the words they share about their personal or professional self that you feel drawn to.
Unless you’ve received a referral from someone (a friend, family member or professional) who both knows you and the therapist, you might want to consider opting for a phone consultation before booking a first session. This will give you an opportunity to hear your counsellor’s voice, tone and how their words land. This can immediately help you begin noticing whether you feel calm and heard or whether you feel unsure or even certain you won’t connect well. So much of our communication happens outside of specifically what is said. You might notice your counsellor is very conversational and you feel at ease immediately. That’s wonderful! If you don’t, you might want to ask how they engage in sessions. Are they conversational? Do they ask lots of questions? Will they let you do most of the talking? What is their approach? And, more importantly, what are you comfortable with?
During a consultation (if you decide this is a good first step) you might be curious with them about their approach. What does their training look like? Do you want to know whether they take more of a cognitive (thoughts based) approach, an emotional (feelings based) approach, or somatic (body focused) approach. Perhaps it’s a combination of all these areas and others. It’s okay to ask these questions of your counsellor.
Some logistical questions are important too!
If you feel like you connect well with your counsellor, the logistical side of the relationship is also important. If you only have daytime or weekday availability and your counsellor works evenings or weekends, that’s going to be a problem. Or, you might only want to meet in-person but your counsellor works online (or virtually) only. Part of feeling safe within the therapeutic relationship, is having sessions in a way that you feel the most comfortable. You aren’t being inflexible, if you only want in-person counselling for example. It’s a very personal preference and it’s completely yours.
Finally, as much as and whenever possible, try to be as honest as you can. Your past experience may have taught you that it’s not okay to have “filter off” moments where you use whatever language, words, or tone that you like. You might have experienced judgement or other very difficult repercussions. If this resonates with you, I’m so sorry that is your experience.
A trauma-informed therapist will welcome you to engage in a way that you feel safe.
Those feelings of safety could mean being “filter off” all the time, or it could mean the opposite. It could mean you hold back until you feel you trust your counsellor enough to know they will hold space for your emotions and experiences. It’s very okay for you to step into your counselling relationship at the pace that you feel safe, seen, comfortable and never judged. Often the relationship with your counsellor can both help you experience how a safe, healthy relationship feels as well as heal the trauma and hurt from past relationships. It’s quite a beautiful experience.
If you have questions or you’d like to reach out and see whether you and I connect well, I would love to chat. You’re welcome to book a free 15 minute phone consult, or your first in-person or online session. As a trauma-informed counsellor, I connect best with adults and couples. I welcome your questions, concerns, thoughts and I am honoured that you would consider me in your healing journey.
