Repair In Your Relationship
Now that we’re into late Fall, the leaves are falling and the days are shorter you might notice your mood (or your partner’s!) is a little lower. Or, maybe you’re noticing you just don’t have the bandwidth to tolerate what you could back in the summer. You’re a bit more cranky or short tempered. And, now this is affecting your relationship. You or your partner/spouse might be arguing more than usual and you don’t like it!
Repair in your relationship is a important to relationship health.
It’s often assumed that fighting is what leads to relationship breakdowns. And, while ongoing arguing is very difficult and can be detrimental, the way a couple repairs afterward is crucial to relational health and longevity. It’s also important to note that there are ways of arguing, discussing or disagreeing that are healthy and unhealthy. When fights include criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling – you and your partner will be left feeling deeply hurt. These Four Horsemen are very detrimental to relationships and need to be stopped. Learning about this and how to curb these unhealthy patterns can be a significant part of couples counselling!
Repair isn’t just about apologizing (or forgiving).
Repair is about mending and reconnecting in a way that both individuals feel heard, seen and safe. While you might want to fix what’s broken, even more important is to get back on track. Is a small argument ruining your entire evening? That’s so disheartening. Are you spending your weekend trying to avoid your partner? Ugh…I’m sorry that’s your experience. No one wants to spend their days off that way. 
When we talk about repair, there are a few key pieces that are important. Repair has to happen early. This can be challenging when you’re used to you or your partner needing to get the last word. Repair attempts can be anything really, that helps to reconnect you with your partner. This could include something that diffuses the situation and makes you both laugh, it could be anything that keeps the negative exchanges between you from escalating.
When you’re in the thick of an argument, no one is at their best.
So, ahead of time it’s important to get creative and have conversations together about how you want to repair. Maybe you know how to be soothed or calmed – choose this! It’s possible that you and your partner get serious or heated quickly. Can you think of a way to diffuse that. Maybe it’s simply a walk around the block together and then revisiting the topic. Repair doesn’t have to be complicated but it needs to be intentional – and planning is helpful in that!
If you’re at a loss for ways to start up a repair conversation, the Gottman’s have created a beautiful checklist and you can find it, here.
Ruptures and disagreements are a part of any relationship and the health of your relationship doesn’t have to hinge on them. Repair is a healthy relational habit that can become part of your ongoing relationship experience. The more familiar you can become with repair in the little things, the more natural it feels in the big things. If you’re curious to learn more or practice repair with your partner, I invite you to reach out and connect.
