How Early Life Experiences Affect Your Adult Relationships

I find it pretty fascinating that your earliest days, weeks and months play a role through the rest of your life when it comes to relationships! The quality and the type of your early childhood relationships, influence relationship(s) you have now. Those first few days, weeks and months of life, when all your communication was non-verbal, has affected these later years. The way you were treated at a very young age also set your expectations for what love to be like. Let’s be curious about how early life experiences affect your adult relationships, together.

Caregiver-child experiences affect how your relationships and connection in adulthood.

As you look at relationship styles (intimate and platonic) you may notice that often opposites can attract. For example, as an individual with an anxious style, you might be drawn to someone with an avoidant style. Why? Well, you appreciate their independence. In turn, they love to feel needed. Eventually you begin to feel neglected when they don’t need you as much as you need them. And they may begin to feel a bit suffocated by your ongoing need for their reassurance. You don’t want to say anything for fear of how they might react because your primary caregiver was inconsistent in how they responded to you. If communication breaks down, you may become more needy and this in turn pushes them away.

Here is a brief overview of attachment styles. It’s important to note that while you may not have received care in the way you needed it, your caregiver may have been unable to offer this. Meaning, their intentions may have been good. And, you may still have not received care the way you needed. Can we hold space to notice that both of these may be true?

• Anxious attachment style: Your primary caregiver inconsistently cared for you physically and emotionally.If you have a partner, you may find that you need to hear from them throughout your day and grow anxious when they don’t connect with you frequently. You likely think better of others than yourself.

• Avoidant attachment style: Your primary caregiver was unavailable for you in childhood (due to divorce, mental health, work, etc.). When you argue with a friend or your partner, you brush it off as not bothersome…it’s their loss. You may tend to think better of yourself than others.

• Secure attachment style: As a child, you received non-verbal cues like eye contact, an amicable and soothing tone was used, and facial expressions were warm and genuine as an infant and onward. Your sense of value and ability to be loved is not of concern, because you know you are worthy of these.

• Disorganized attachment style: This tends to happen as a result of a chaotic, abusive, traumatic environment and as a young child you weren’t able to develop a real understanding of security or safety.

Encouragingly, you can work to your attachment style.

This is some of my favourite work in couples counselling (as well as individual work). It can be helpful to help cultivate an awareness of some unhealthy childhood experiences, and how they affect in a clinical setting. Exploring your values to cultivate awareness and self-compassion can increase your personal sense of value and self-worth.

Choosing a partner with a secure attachment style is healing, for you to experience what it’s like to feel safe in a relationship. A partner can help you feel safe, valued, and cherished can help you face some of your fears or insecurities. Yet, you need to learn to be secure on your own and love yourself for you.  If you’ve been hurt through a relationship, the best place to heal is through another healthy relationship. Meaning, you may have lost trust in loved ones because of how loved ones treated you at a vulnerable young age. Learning what healthy love, attachment and relationships look like in a safe and ongoing context can help you adjust your attachment style. This can also be part of counselling work.

Dr. Sue Johnson has done some beautiful research in the area of attachment. You might enjoy her book called, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. I appreciate her approach because she identifies that disagreements will occur between partners, but with strong, healthy attachment styles there is always a feeling of mutual security and love.

Healthy couples can identify where a disconnect occurs and repair it well, while understanding who played what role (without blame!). This all happens in the context of emotional safety. This is also a part of the Gottman Method approach to counselling, which I have training in. If you’d like to begin understanding more about how early life experiences affect your relationships, please reach out. I offer individual and couples sessions, in-person and online counselling throughout most of the week. I’d love to connect!