Dealing With Conflict in Your Relationship

Whether you call it a discussion, debate, heated conversation or an argument, it’s very likely you’ve had hard conversations with your partner. Dealing with conflict in your relationship – as uncomfortable as it is – is inevitable. Learning how to work through ruptures well, is a key to healing. And, it’s at the heart of a healthy relationship.

Dealing with conflict in your relationship is part of being human.

If you or your partner were raised in a home with unhealthy communication, the thought of tension or conflict might stir up some uncomfortable emotions. You might believe your relationship is over at the slightest hint of disagreement. Possibly, you notice an automatic thought or core belief that healthy relationships are always calm and caring. If I can challenge this for a moment, I want to encourage you that this might be a bit idealistic. While I do believe that a healthy relationship means each partner feels safe and secure, this does not mean differences in opinion leading to conflict won’t arise.

A key part of navigating conflict in your relationship is how you both engage in it.

In their decades of relationship research the Gottmans discovered four detrimental ways individuals engage in arguments and their four counterparts. Meaning, the four ways to approach an argument that is safe and welcomes conversation. I invite you to be curious about which of these patterns resonate with you. To note is that this is just a very brief highlight of each one.

Criticism: when a person is critical or approaches a disagreement with criticism they typically shift from the problem at hand, to flaws about their partner. Rather than commenting on the dirty dishes in the sink, the focus becomes the partner’s laziness and worthlessness.

• The remedy for this is a softened start-up. This means that rather than focusing on the other person and what they did wrong or their personal flaws, you share from your perspective. “I feel” statements are key here. And more than that, ensuring you use an emotion or feeling word is central to this. For example, I feel overwhelmed when the dishes are piled in the sink.

Contempt: this is similar to criticism but shifts more into the realm of abuse. You insult, name call, mock, use words that leave your partner feeling hated, and so forth. It is deeply wounding and even more, if your partner has a traumatic history. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce.

• The remedy for contempt is to build a culture of respect and appreciation. This must be an intentional and daily process, cultivated through moments of emotional, physical and verbal connection. The contemptuous partner must be mindful and intentional in reflecting on their partner’s positive qualities and attributes.

Defensiveness: this pattern often occurs in response to a critical partner. When you become defensive you’re protecting yourself from a perceived threat when you feel unjustly accused of something.

• While you might not be in the wrong, neither partner is fully right or fully wrong in the context of disagreement. Can you pause and notice any area (even the smallest part) you might take some responsibility for? This is the response to defensiveness…take responsibility. It can seem so difficult but it is important as your partner will begin to notice you are trying, or that you recognize they are not fully at fault (or wrong). Apologizing for any part you can own is powerful.

Stonewalling: typically emerges in response to contempt. This is what happens when the partner receiving the contemptuous blame disengages and shuts down. The argument and emotion is too much. You might notice you or your partner busying your/their selves with something else, in an attempt to avoid and withdraw from the moment.

• Typically when an individual stonewalls it’s because you’re overwhelmed by emotion. You might notice your heart racing, thoughts spinning, maybe you are shaking and so forth. Learning to physiologically self-soothe is key to navigating this experience.

Arguments can seem as though they overshadow what might otherwise be a very healthy relationship. You can feel defeated by one poor rupture. Learning some of the patterns you and your partner engage in, as well as how to begin stepping into healthier ones can feel safe and healing. If you are hoping to explore ruptures and repairs and would like to increase healthy communication in your relationship, I invite you to reach out! I’d love to connect with you.