Why Is The Gottman Method for Couples Counselling Popular?
You might be looking for counselling for you and your partner. Maybe you’ve heard of a few different approaches to couples counselling but the words the Gottman Method keeps coming up. By this point in your research you’re probably wondering why the Gottman Method for couples counselling popular?! In this first of a few posts, I will share some highlights of this approach to couples work.
Finding an approach to couples counselling that’s well researched, backed by solid evidence and also effective is so important! As a clinician, I often notice feelings of discomfort inside of me, when one partner shares that they worry I will side with their partner. You might have had an experience where you felt judged by a counsellor. If this sounds familiar, I am so sorry this happened.
You might have had a poor experience previously and attempting couples counselling feels risky. My perspective with couples work is that the best approach, is that one that heals your relationship. For many couples the Gottman Method is favourable. And, I think it’s important to note that it’s not the only approach out there. Yet, it’s one that I have found very effective in my work with couples.
I appreciate the framework used to conceptualize or envision your relationship. This is in the form of a house…a Sound Relationship House. As with any solid structure, the sound relationship is formed on the basis of a very sound foundation. In this case, that’s the friendship between two partners. Each floor of the house is important to the next and the house is held up by two walls which are commitment and trust. In my work with couples, you could expect to review this house with me and identify together (and through optional assessments) which areas are strong and which areas need attention. These attention-needing areas are likely the ones causing issues in your relationship. They are the ones we would spend time on. And (!) I also think it is so important to celebrate the areas you’ve created strong patterns and experiences.
The areas in your relationship needing attention are likely perpetual. Meaning, the areas you find yourself arguing are likely the areas (or issues) you have argued about for years. Interesting isn’t it?! Some of the research findings by the Gottmans is that couples have several issues they have and will always argue about it. It’s not the argument or the issues that are cause for concern. The concern is how you perceive your partner in arguments, how you feel about your partner outside of arguments, and what repair looks like after.
The way couples argue and prevent arguments is a key component of this approach.
Another tool I share early on with couples is the ways couples typically argue. I appreciate the four distinct ways the Gottman Method articulates how couples argue, and then how you can correct your approach. (This is a blog post in and of itself for another day!) You can learn to adjust your approach and feel more effective in those tense moments – it is possible!
The Gottman Method for couples counselling is popular because of it’s many resources. As a therapist, I appreciate how useful and applicable they are. Neither you nor your spouse will feel unsupported, singled out or blamed for ruptures in your relationship. Also, being nonjudgemental is integral to my work as a therapist. Behind every argument there is a story and I am privileged that you might entrust me with yours.
That said, it is important to highlight that couples counselling can be hard. There are many emotions, undiscovered longings and often lots of hurt (and history) to work through. Beginning to navigate these in the safe context of the counselling setting is healing in and of itself. Feedback I often receive at the end of sessions is that the couple feels they better understand their partner. When you can feel safe and calm to share your perspective, you and your partner can begin to understand what’s really going on. You can hold space for each other to honestly share.
You can be confident that I am there to stop any blaming or some of the other argument cycles you often step into.
Evidence based training is very important to me as a therapist. I have taken Levels 1 and 2 of the Gottman Method for couples counselling. I’ve taken other trainings to deepen my competence with individuals and couples as well. Your relationship is so supportive to your wellness and equally, you can be wounded when your relationship is unwell. I seek to connect with clients in a warm, safe, nonjudgemental way to navigate your healing journey. Please reach out to connect if you’re interested in relationship work individually or with your partner!
