How Can You Shift From Disconnection to Your Authentic Self?

Clients often come to counselling wondering how to heal from shame, unhealthy relationships, anxiety, depression, or they want to better understand boundaries and values. These experiences can keep you from feeling like, and experiencing your true self. You might notice you have experienced one, some or many and it can feel uncomfortable. You might be wondering how you can shift from disconnection to your authentic self. Possibly, you want to discover who that authentic you really is. Part of understanding your true and authentic self, is becoming familiar with your emotions.

What did you notice as you just read that? Did the words “emotional part” feel warm or sharp? Did you notice a bit of a bodily reaction? I invite you to spend a moment slowing down and being curious about this. It’s possible you became more aware of your heart beating a stronger. Maybe you noticed your stomach flip flopping or feeling nauseous. You might feel tingly in some part of you – your hands, possibly? You might, in fact, feel nothing in your body – almost in a numb sort of way. Notice that, too!

Can we dig a little deeper, here? Can you be curious about your beliefs around emotions? These beliefs may come with you from childhood. You might hold a core belief (a deeply held assumption), that a caregiver said to you (once or repeatedly) stuck with you. And now, when you consider how emotions play out in your life…well…you’d rather not consider it. Emotions may not have always felt good or served you well, and the effort to try and ignore them or numb yourself to them, could feel less painful.

The curious thing about emotions – the comfortable and uncomfortable ones – is that they are all important and they all communicate important things. They can challenge you painfully and bring you hope positively. When you resist the experience of a more uncomfortable emotion like sadness for example, you also reduce the amount of joy you can feel. These two emotions live on a bit of a spectrum so-to-speak and so, the depth to which you can (allow yourself to) feel one, you can also experience the other. More explicitly, the more you can sit in sadness the more you can experience the elation that accompanies joy.

I find that fascinating – and a good personal reminder to slow down in times of uncomfortable emotion. Sometimes simply being with an emotion brings wonder. Curiosity is important in these moments because it takes us out of any self-judgement and into a place of noticing.

Sitting with uncomfortable emotions isn’t the end game though.

It’s okay to be with that emotion, but then it’s healthy to process it, to eventually dwell in a place of calm. If you are like me and you’re a visual learner, the Change Triangle could be a welcome concept, here. You may be wondering what is the Change Triangle? It’s is a tool that can help with improving emotional health. It can support you in reconnecting with yourself in ways you may have ignored, shut down, or struggled with through life or past experiences.

There are three corners to the Change Triangle : core emotions, inhibitory emotions and defenses. Let’s spend a moment in each corner and notice how they interact. As you begin to understand this more, you might notice experiencing your authentic self.

Core emotions give you important information, including how it feels to experience your authentic self.

Core emotions can also help you shift from disconnection back to your authentic self. They help you thrive by telling you what you want, need, like or what disgusts you. They are with you at birth, hard-wired into the middle part of your brain. So, if you’ve ever felt like some of your emotions are out of your consciousness or conscious control – these ones are! They are sadness, fear, anger, joy, excitement, sexual excitement (desire) and disgust. It’s not uncommon to block some of those ones you have experienced as unenjoyable in the past.

However, these core emotions really are wonderful and deeply helpful to you. Think about learning you were the successful candidate for that new job you really wanted. You may have felt excitement! Your hard efforts paid off. Think about learning your in-laws were moving just down the road. You may have noticed sadness or even some fear. Sadness might indicate how much you love your family unit’s independence, and it could propel you to create a plan to protect that (hello boundaries!!). Fear might motivate you to really work on those boundaries you’ve been considering.

Inhibitory Emotions work to block those seven core emotions.

There are three: shame, anxiety and guilt. (Did you notice a shift in your physical body as you read those words? Again, they aren’t bad emotions! Yet they can be uncomfortable to even read.) What’s so interesting about this trio is that when you begin feeling overwhelmed by your core emotions, the inhibitory emotions jump in, to prevent overwhelm. Hilary Jacobs Hendel (It’s Not Always Depression) says they keep you civilized. They help you can fit into the groups you want and need to. Unknowingly, you started learning about which core emotions were acceptable from the moment you were born. These learnings happened through interactions and responses from others in your world.

If any of those emotions were deemed unacceptable, maybe weak or out of control your brain received a signal that something unpleasurable was happening. Moving into later childhood, teen years and adulthood, your brain continued storing information from those core emotions that were previously shut down or unwelcome. So, inhibitory emotions stepped in to protect and push those core emotions down. This is stressful!!

Defenses sit in the third corner of the Change Triangle.

Just as you might suspect, they defend you from feeling deep pain or overwhelm. Defenses will do anything they can to help avoid feeling those Core or Inhibitory Emotions. They aren’t always bad – their adaptive nature actually helps to experience relief from a stressful situation. Think of watching cute puppy reels on Instagram, your go-to feel-good movie, talking to that super sarcastic friend (or being that friend!). The challenge comes when you no longer feel, because you are out of touch with those seven core emotions. While defenses aren’t explicitly harmful, they can be! Think of over-eating, over-exercising, cutting, addiction, and other ways you might help yourself feel less depth of emotion.

A defence is any thought or action that takes you away from experiencing those uncomfortable feelings. Hendel shares dozens of them in her book. A few that I have noticed as more commonly experienced by my clients includes sarcasm, ruminating, changing the subject, avoiding eye contact, over/under talking, perfectionism. These defenses keep them safe and enable them to avoid the pain that might come hand-in-hand with the experience of a core emotion.

So, how can the Change Triangle be put to good use and help you? It is important to know that even if you’re not yet in a place where you’re able to fully experience those seven core emotions, the Change Triangle can still be very useful. Simply being able to identify where you are is very helpful information. Also! It is compassionate to extend so much grace, as you consider how this tool could be helpful for you.

The Change Triangle can help you know your emotions and process them. Unblocking your core emotions (by identifying defenses and inhibitory emotions) results in decreased feelings of anxiety, depression and increased confidence in living as your fullest and most authentic self. It can help you understand why we are reacting in a particular way, whether you are in a place of defensiveness, whether those inhibitory emotions are stepping into action, or whether core emotions are being experienced. At the heart of the Change Triangle is an authentic experience where you can experience open hearted living, which is felt through peace and confidence in life and all its curveballs.

The Change Triangle is a tool I often use with clients. It can be a little nerve-wracking to consider exploring these things – emotions. You are wired for healing! Living from a place of authentic connectedness with yourself is healing, satisfying and empowering. It’s possible you’ll start to shift into a space where you notice a sense of your authentic self. Understanding why you experience (or avoid) certain emotions or why you react in ways that don’t always make sense you can begin to feel lighter (this is a more open-hearted state).

If some of this information resonates with you, I’d love to connect. Please reach out to book a consultation or first appointment.