How Do You and Your Partner and Get Out of Your Negative Cycle?
You’ve noticed recently, that it doesn’t take much to suddenly be arguing with your partner. You didn’t intend to say the wrong thing, but somehow you said or did something and you’re back in it. To say it feels uncomfortable is an understatement. As you reflect, you might notice it happens out of the blue more recently than before. You might be wondering how you and your partner can get out of your negative cycle. The tension is confusing and exhausting. You might be starting to feel like it’s harder to stay emotionally calm. And, you want to make up and be at peace, but some days it doesn’t feel possible.
Recently you’ve noticed that while part of you wants to be able to see the good in your partner, it is harder. More often, you get stuck on why your side is right and theirs is wrong. Logically, you know this might not be the case but emotionally you’re really struggling to hold space for their perspective.
When arguments seem to come out of nowhere, it’s confusing for everyone.
When couples are in a season of tension or arguing what often also happens is that there are fewer positive exchanges. Even something as simple as a smile or eye contact becomes rare. You might be making coffee and briefly the thought crosses your mind to ask your spouse if they’d like some, but that thought stays a thought. It doesn’t turn to action. Or, you might notice that in previous times your spouse would offer to bathe the kids but recently they never do. They just leave it to you. It’s not something that has ever been specifically assigned to one of you, but you’re noticing how much you used to appreciate them taking that on. Now you’re noticing resentment might be creeping in. Even though it’s uncomfortable, some days, staying in your negative cycle seems to be easier than putting in effort.
When these positive exchanges or this emotional connection decreases, couples commonly begin to disconnect from one another. This can happen both physically when you each find your own hobbies, or simply don’t want to take the energy or make the time to do what the other person enjoys (or enjoy together). This can also happen emotionally. When there is a disconnect, it can become harder to remember all the positive, heartfelt, endearing qualities that drew you to your spouse in the first place…and that have kept you together.
Positive regard for one another can feel very difficult, if not nearly impossible, when you are in a season of arguments, disconnection or what I sometimes call ruptures. I appreciate the word rupture because to me, it describes a “miss”. Something hasn’t happened. It doesn’t mean you’ve necessarily had an explosion or massively detrimental argument (though it could). It might simply mean there have been small rifts that are creating cracks in the foundation of your relationship.
Foundation is the starting place for all relationships.
When the foundation is cracking, and you’re feeling negatively towards your spouse, it’s going to be easier to see those cracks than to be reminded of the solid parts of your relationship. Being intentional in beginning to repair the relationship, doesn’t require exhaustive effort. It requires small, intentional and continuous actions. The model I refer to and have training in calls these deposits in the emotional bank account.
Emotional deposits are small, frequent and intentional – but not effortful – actions.
An emotional bank account is this space each person has, where you feel seen and cared for. In the context of couples healthy emotional bank accounts are a crucial part of relational well-being. When your emotional bank is full, your partner might not reply in a way you expect them to, but you can hold space for the fact that they’ve had a long day. Or, your partner might use a sharp tone when replying to you, but you can contextualize that they just didn’t think before speaking. When you two argue, you can see some of the positive within your partner’s side.
Alternatively, when your emotional bank account is feeling low you might struggle in only seeing the negative side of your partner and all that is wrong about their side of the argument. More than that, you might feel hopeless within the context of your relationship, especially during or even after a rupture.
It’s can be hard to recover when the negative cycle continues.
Beginning to understand your partner’s perspective and hold space for their perspective is possible, but it can take time. This is a key part of couples sessions. Along with this is beginning to step into the intentional act of making deposits in your partner’s emotional bank account. This can help both soften your approach (and theirs!) and help you both see maybe even a little bit of your partner’s side as positive.
Examples might include actions such as reaching for your partner’s hand, hugging or giving them a kiss. It could also mean that rather than pulling away during or after an argument, you apologize with sincerity. These things (and so much more) show your spouse that they matter to you. They are important.
When it comes to ruptures and repairs or positive and negative interactions, the research shows that it takes five positive interactions to overcome or compensate for one negative interaction. So, if you’ve been at odds for quite some time, it might also take quite awhile to begin reconnecting and finding that peaceful place again. Beginning to understand what this looks like is something I work with couples on in sessions. Before that, I find that beginning to understand the heart (or the need) behind your spouse’s side of the argument is a profound exercise. When you can begin to understand your partner’s longing, you can begin to open yourself to hold space for their perspective. This takes time, patience and clear communication which often happens best (at first) in the context of therapy.
If you’ve been struggling recently in your relationship and you’re both open to counselling, I invite you to reach out. I offer online or in-person options. I’d love to connect with you two, to begin this healing work.
