Is It Time To Set Boundaries?
The idea of boundaries is fantastic. You think you’d feel so much more peaceful if you could create some boundaries (and you’re right!). But, you know they will take work and some practice (also right!). Just like running a marathon, changing eating habits or any other goal, boundaries do take some practice. However, the sense of peace you can experience when you’ve been able to do this will be well worth the intentional effort! For you, when is it time to set boundaries? How will you know?
You might resist the idea of starting to set some boundaries because the thought of saying “no” to friends, family members, co-workers, your kids or anyone else wanting and needing something from you, feels super uncomfortable. Try saying no with someone’s small ask. Notice some discomfort? What’s curious about this, is that if you can reframe it a bit you might be able to notice that the discomfort that comes with that no, also means you might be starting to create some space for you. And, with practice that discomfort will ease. Can you shift the narrative a little and be curious about how it feels to say “yes” for yourself?
Awkward? For sure!
Maybe a bit selfish? Definitely feels that way…but it’s not.
Possibly a door opening to some new-felt peace? Yes!
As you notice that boundaries are not against other people but rather they are for you, that can help ease the discomfort.
The peace or the calm that you might notice, that comes after the discomfort of saying no to going out with friends on the weekend, might just feel somewhat worth it.
Or, the free evening to take a bath and care for yourself might be confirmation that your no-thank you to joining a particular school or work committee, is the best boundary in this season.
How is this a boundary? It is creating space between where you, your capacity, energy, emotion and time end, and where that fill-in-the-blank begins. That space creates feelings of safety, calm and peace in you.
If you notice that while setting boundaries, you continue to feel some guilt, ask yourself what that might be? Is the guilt more out of habit? It probably feels good at first to say yes, because you are helping others or making them happy. In today’s world doing and being everything for others can sometimes feel like a badge of honour. Until it doesn’t serve you. Or, until you’re too exhausted to care about the badge.
The habit of saying yes can, in and of itself, lead discomfort. Discomfort can feel like exhaustion, snapping, that feeling of being raw and emotionally vulnerable. Everyone wants something from you and saying no feels impossible. Or worse: lonely.
In non-boundaried situations, when you say yes to others, you are saying no to yourself.
Chronic busyness from your “yes” can be exhausting. Boundaries free you from this!
Another way you might ask yourself if it is time to set boundaries, is when you start to notice resentment, frustration or even anger towards someone whose words or actions have started to bother you. Meaning, you might notice anger (which is not a bad feeling) or frustration at someone, even when their ask of you isn’t bad. It is your body and emotions trying to communicate to you, that part of you is struggling?
Ongoing stress or suppressing of emotions can lead to some serious physical ailments.
When you notice anger, rather than pushing it down, trying to brush it under the rug so-to-speak, or maybe blowing up a little, ask yourself (your anger) what it’s communicating. Often your emotions are a response to what you might need. Dr Gabor Mate has done some fantastic research in this area. He has found a correlation between the effects of stress and emotions, and our physical health. His work encourages the reader to begin exploring and processing this stress and emotion, to help release it. I invite you to dig into some of his work.
You may have grown up being told to push aside your wants for others. In some ways that might seem heroic. But, I can assure you that there are many people who love who you are…outside of what you may or may not choose to do.
If you’re noticing your response to, is it time to set boundaries for me, is a possible yes, please reach out! Boundaries can feel overwhelming if they are new, because you might not know where to start. I am passionate supporting individuals and couples in this area. I offer online sessions in the daytime and evenings, as well as limited daytime availability in Langley. If you feel you’d like to connect with me to begin exploring what boundaries might look like for you, I’d love to set up a consultation or book a session with you.
