Creating Boundaries to Improve Your Relationship.
You’ve heard the word boundaries in the past. You want to improve your relationship and creating boundaries seems like a helpful tool! But the thought of how to create them and whether they will actually be helpful, has paused your work in this area. …they actually might seem like so much work!
You might have experienced a lot of push back in the past. Perhaps you grew up in a family where boundaries weren’t allowed, or alternatively they were really rigid. They felt black and white, and as though they were more a set of strict rules than anything. They definitely didn’t feel like they were going to improve your relationship…to anyone! Now, it might feel like the effort to create them is exhausting. I want to empathize that you’re right. If creating boundaries has been a struggle in the past, it makes so much sense that you might shy away.
This will be a several part series. This piece is going to focus on what boundaries are and are not. To begin, it’s important to understand that boundaries are about you and your needs…not others. Others might be offended, put off or confused when you begin to create boundaries…but they are still about you.
You create boundaries for yourself, not against others.
Boundaries keep you feeling safe – meaning, you can uphold your values (a post for another day) and what is important to you. They can take some work, but with support and practice, boundaries are beautiful. Creating boundaries can improve your relationship(s). Be it with friends, family members or your partner!
Boundaries can help you be clear about what you are responsible for such as your feelings, attitudes, choices, responsibilities and behaviours. No one else is responsible for those, for you! When you create boundaries, you need to take ownership of these things…and if you grew up in a home without boundaries, this might be hard! If you grew up feeling (or being told you were) responsible for a caregiver’s emotional wellness…that you needed to be responsible for their emotional well-being…healing from that and releasing that self-expectation will be hard.
Creating boundaries empowers you to keep the “good” in and the “bad” out.
What might you want to keep in? Your thoughts, behaviours, attitude, physical well-being, time, beliefs, space, financial decisions, spirituality and so forth.
What might you want to keep out? The opinions, time requirements, influence, expectations, needs, impositions of others for example.
Boundaries are not like impenetrable walls. Healthy boundaries are permeable. This means that people can come and go as you invite them and ask them to leave. And this will improve your relationship…with your partner, friends, coworkers and others in your world.
If you’ve created boundaries that are impenetrable that might feel safe. You may have had a traumatic experience and being alone – not letting anyone in – probably feels best. However, humans are biologically wired for connection. Isolation can be where some mental health struggles begin. Carrying the weight of your struggles alone, is isolating. You need others, to some degree or other. As you begin to explore what creating boundaries could even look like, you might find it feels safer to allow one or two people in, just a little . Do what feels safe and calm to your body.
Boundaries are not an overnight task.
They take curiosity, thought and practice. The require reflecting and self-exploration. They are beautiful and they bring peace…and as you begin to create them, it might be hard. For a more in-depth exploration, you might check out Set Boundaries, Find Peace. Talking with someone to process boundaries and improve your relationship can be very helpful. This is an area I am passionate about and love supporting my clients. If creating boundaries and exploring how they can improve your relationships, please reach out and book an appointment! I’d love to connect with you.
